


The Chief's Daughter (2020 - 2020)

by thicc_succ_for_a_bucc



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Chaos Enthusiast Alice Cullen, Comedy, Conspiracy Theorist Mike Newton, Crack, F/F, F/M, Happy Ending, Humor, M/M, Memes, Twilight Renaissance, don’t worry no 118 year old virgins were harmed in the making of this fic, no beta we die like men, the bachelor - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24063334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thicc_succ_for_a_bucc/pseuds/thicc_succ_for_a_bucc
Summary: Bella is fed up with Edward and Jacob, and Angela proposes a solution: a dating game. Alice, of course, thinks it’s a swell idea. Hijinks ensue.--To be fair, Bella did not start this. But when you mess with Bella’s truck, that’s the last straw..
Relationships: Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale/Bella Swan, Bella Swan/Edward Cullen, Bella Swan/Jacob Black, Bella Swan/Leah Clearwater, Jacob Black/Edward Cullen
Comments: 22
Kudos: 99





	The Chief's Daughter (2020 - 2020)

**Author's Note:**

> this outline for this fic was made while i was under the influence and i have no control over my life. i should be preparing for my exam. alas i am gay and stupid i cannot help this.

Bella was attempting to walk to her truck when she noticed Jacob and Edward were standing next to it. They looked like they were having an argument, and then the next thing Bella knows is that Jacob pushes Edward against her car, getting into his face. She may or may not have heard, ’the girls are fightingggg’ from the now gathering audience of students.

Her poor truck. 

“Okay, that’s it! I’ve had it!” Bella exclaimed, causing Bella and Jacob to turn towards her. She rolls up her sleeves, moving as if to fight them, but she’s stopped by Angela, who appears at her side. 

“Why are they fighting?” Angela asks, holding Bella’s arm so she doesn’t break free. 

“Jacob is in love with me, but so is Edward. They’re proving more to each other how they feel about me, than actually to me.” Bella turns to Angela, explaining. 

“And messing with my truck, dipsticks!” She yells at them again. 

“Ah, well that’s a pickle and a half. But I think I may have a solution. Why don’t you settle this nicely and easily? Have them go through a dating game, and whose answers you like the best, you pick.” 

Bella thinks about it. It would solve a lot more problems with their love-triangle than imprinting on her future demon spawn would. But before she can truly make a decision one way or another, Alice appears grinning from ear to ear. 

“This sounds amazing! Count me in.” 

“Would you make me the happiest woman alive, and host my dating show?” Bella asks on one knee, holding Alice’s hand. 

“I’m sorry Bella, but I can’t. I’m joining the show. How else am I supposed to get you in our family when Edward has as much charisma as a snail?”

From a short distance away they can hear Edward offended on behalf of snails everywhere. “They’re effervescent,” he wails as if he could cry actual tears. Jacob steps a foot away from him, not wanting to catch whatever Edward has. Emotions, shudder. 

“What will Jasper think?” Bella asks, not wanting to get between them. 

“I’m not leaving Jasper for you, of course, silly. You’re joining me and Jasper.” She ways with a long drawn out wink. For how old Alice was, she was terrible at winking. 

It made Bella smile. 

To be fair, Bella did not start this. But when you mess with Bella’s truck, that’s the last straw. There would be an order.

*

Alice paid off the teachers, and prospects were looking good. It would take place in the gym. Alice pimped it out until it looked like an acceptable dating show. There were chairs for the contestants and a chair for Bella.

Jessica was asked to be the host because of her awesome hair. Jessica, of course, accepted. 

Bella’s only job was to pick her questions.

In no time the whole school knew about Fork’s first-ever dating show. 

When they hear about it, both the Cullens and Sam Uley’s pack decide to help. If it will get Edward and Jacob off their hands, they would work together. 

Edward has been lonely (and annoying) for 118 years. Carlisle prays that this will solve Edwards angst. Esme is just crossing her fingers that Edward gets the hint and stops interrupting Carlisle and Esme so much.

Both Edward and Jacob had become insufferable in their efforts to keep Bella all to themselves, and no human girl was worth this big of a headache.

*

“What song best describes your life, and why?” Jessica asks the contestants. 

Jacob goes first. “Uhh, that would be Howl by Florence and the Machine. It’s fitting,” he laughs. 

Edward is prompted to answer the same question, Bella having only picked so many. 

“Claire de Lune by Debussy. It speaks to me. The raw emotional punch it packs-.”

“Okay, we don’t have time for all that! Alice?”

“Homewrecker by Marina and the Diamonds,” Alice says and it makes Bella laugh.

"Next question. If you would describe yourself as an animal, what kind of animal would you be?”

Jacob is asked to go first again. 

“I would say a wolf because they’re strong and alpha wolves are natural-born leaders,” Jacob says flashing a winning smile to the audience. 

“A spider monkey, because they’re agile and fast at climbing trees.” Edward answers, make it succinct this time. 

In the audience, Mike Newton is connecting the dots. They’re not human. They never were. His girlfriend is interviewing two vampires and a werewolf. He whispers his findings to Angela, but she just laughs at him. Sam Uley whips his head around from where he was sitting next to Emily. He stares at Mike as if he was a seer.

Alice laughs at the question as if it was painfully obvious. “An otter, because they’re cute.”

Jessica nods, agreeing. 

“What is your best pick-up line?”

“I’d never make you wait till marriage. Wanna do it?”

“I decided as long as I'm going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly. Wanna do it thoroughly with me?”

“I could make you all the plaid clothes your heart could desire.”

“And finally, if you were to propose, how would you do it?”

“Wolves mate for life. It’s no coincidence I could see you with me for the rest of your life.”

“I would propose with the promise of sex because Stephenie Meyer uses our relationship as Mormon propaganda.”

“I may already be with Jasper, but you make us the happiest if you could join us.” 

Bella motions that she’s had enough to decide. Thus ending the game. 

“And it seems Bella has decided!”

The audience cheers. 

Bella leaves the stage. 

“So? Who do you pick?” They ask hopeful smiles on their faces. 

Bella puts a hand to her chin, deciding. She knew the answer could only truly be…

“Leah.”

“But she wasn’t even participating!” Jacob yells.

“So? We got to know each other during this whole dating show thing.” Bella says. “She’s who I pick.”

“But why?” Jacob and Edward ask askance, for once on the same page about something. 

“I will have a hot werewolf girlfriend that wears a leather jacket. And that can also bench press me.” Bella shrugged. 

Leah is not too far away and wraps an arm around Bella, kissing Bella on the temple confidently. She turns towards Jacob and Edward.

“I will treat Bella with the utmost respect because I’m awesome and Stephenie Meyer sucks. You guys are terrible for her, and you have both hurt her in irreparable ways, while I have a shining record of not doing anything wrong. She’s dating me now. Get used to it.”

Edward and Jacob nodded, conceding at that. They shake their heads, walking away.

Esme and Carlisle approach their son, Esme gripping his shoulder in solidarity. “Get dunked on, son.” 

That kid has cock-blocked Esme and Carlisle for far too long. 

Edward looks at her betrayed as they walk away.

Leah relayed the interaction to Bella, whispering it into her ear, making both of them giggle.

At the same time, Alice and Jasper approached the new couple. 

“I’m sorry you won’t be joining our throuple,” Jasper says with a laugh, Alice’s arm around his waist. We know who tops in that relationship. 

“Bella I just want you to know even though you’re not dating my drama queen of a brother, you’re always welcome at the Cullens.” Alice continues. 

It makes Bella smile. She makes her way to her truck.

“Hey, loser.” 

Bella half turns, and Rosalie is standing with Emmett.

“You chose a lot better than my pathetic brother. Did you know Carlisle turned me expecting us to get together? You chose well.” Rosalie is holding out her first for Bella to bump. 

She does so.

“Congrats on picking a good one Bells,” Emmett says with a smile. He truly was the best bro a bi could ask for.

“Thanks, guys,” Bella says, turning towards her truck.

She opens the door for Leah, and she climbs in. She kisses Leah’s hand before driving away. 

When everyone leaves, Edward sidles up to Jacob, who is sulking against a tree. 

Edward considers Jacob. They both sucked. But maybe together, they can suck a lot less.

“I decided as long as I'm going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly. Wanna do it thoroughly with me?”  
It makes Jacob laugh.

‘Maybe Edward wasn’t so bad a guy’. 

From Jacob? That’s close enough to give a marriage proposal. Edward daydreams about their wedding in his head, walking away. Maybe Bella could be his best man? Emmett already called dibs on being Edward’s bridesmaid if ever managed to get anyone to marry him.

*

Later that night, Bella brings Leah over for dinner. 

“Hi, I’m dating your daughter now. Hope you don’t mind.” Leah says sensibly. She knew how awkward that could be. 

Charlie takes an immediate shine to her. 

“If you’re not Edward, you’re already part of this family,” Charlie says, bringing Leah in for a bear hug. 

Leah is strangely touched, tentatively hugging back. 

Bella smiled watching them. So this is what it felt like when your dad approved of who you were dating. 

Edward could indeed get dunked on.

**Author's Note:**

> Rosalie Hale gritting her teeth: straight white man
> 
> it’s my story and i control the gay.
> 
> thanks for reading!


End file.
